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I woke up
elated. Today is my first day alcohol
free in some time. I know it will be.
I intended to start
yesterday but a goodbye dinner had been planned.
I have everything out of the way and I can proceed. I've been talking to myself about it for some
time and now I'm ready.
As the saying goes,
'I've quit a thousand times'. Six weeks of brain fog, then I get feeling good
and hit open water, it's easier but never free of temptation. I know my exercise
and yoga discipline will return. My
health will vastly improve. The aches
and pains of the body will subside.
It's the aches and pains in my head is what is driving me this time. I wake up so angry at life. I have been letting people go, it's time to
completely let them go in the sense of recognizing there are not many people
left, good and caring kind. The dumb and afraid are the vast majority. I know thinkers are out there but I'm not finding them in the bars. I want to make a friend, honestly. I haven't met too many I want as a friend,
the ones I do don't want me as a friend.
Alcohol is not serving me.
I can't stop
drinking is another worry. And I have to
get home somehow. Driving at 20 MPH
through back country roads is working today, but the other shoe will drop and
Big Trouble will happen. It's
inevitable. I'm an outsider here and I might as well not join the drinking
culture that exists deeply in this area.
I grabbed a
self-help book that will return to me the buzzwords and concepts to get me to
open water. A little crutch to help me on
my way is needed, but the work ahead is mine and mine alone. Failure is an option like the 999 times
before. Sitting here today I don't want
to see it. Quitting drinking isn't a will
power test as I see it, it's accepting the fact putting alcohol in my system is
killing me. An honesty test of myself is what it is. Pouring a toxic poison down my throat will
lead to sickness and death, a slow suicide.
It's a matter of health. I'm not
a big fan of suicide, I'm very grateful for what life has brought me. My anger has to subside.
I must get a head
start of sobriety going into winter.
Last year just about killed me. I
suppose I'll write more, work up some new songs and take longer daily walks. The isolation is challenging, my thought
process has to be kept in check. I see plenty of sadness on the horizon.
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