The Forgiven

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I got caught up in a personal emotional whirlwind and it cost me.

Lashing out and blaming the closest people to me, I eventually found myself very alone. At that time, taking stock over my life was the most difficult thing to date, but I have survived and rebuilt a new internal foundation. I say that with humility.

It seems you have to like yourself in order to be liked. You have to love yourself in order to be loved. You have to have compassion for yourself in order to have compassion for others.

So many bars are to be met, expectations exceeded, things to be had. If we reach a small amount we are lucky, but the pain of loss grows with each day. It's never good enough, always hurtful, deeply insufficient. Our souls suffer and claim to deserve so much more. But like Josey Wales said to Little Bill, "Deserving ain't got nothing to do with it."

Admitting emotional illness isn't considered responsible in this society. One is supposed to take care of mental afflictions quietly so your family isn't embarrassed. Pharmaceutical drugs are gotten easily or a tavern may adopt you as long as the money runs out. To look another in the eye and admit your shortcomings of behavior and speech, state the reasons of an unbalanced mind and take a course of action to rectify, purify, anything but stir-fry, your brain may meet an astonished look of dismay. I find solace in those that truly understand and wish me well.

I want to help others in emotional distress. I certainly can see the signs and I do feel their pain because as a human being, I am in pain also. The path of meditation and mindfulness of speech is what is working for me and it may not be for everybody. Facing up to oneself honestly is the first step. After that all I can do is help balance for the rest of the walk.